This weekend’s pie fiasco is only moderately embarrassing in a list of many red-faced moments. In fact, considering the empty pie plate is in soak now, it’s safe to say the pie was not harmed by its looks.
Being the ancient age of 30, I have many embarrassing moments under my belt. We all do. It’s what makes us human.
So here are a few of my doozies.
Fainting in Church
You have this picture all wrong if you think I was listening to a sermon and just zonked out. All wrong. When I decided to faint in church, I made sure I was on the stage. We were practicing for a Christmas concert and I was feeling a little warm, likely because I had my coat on like a fool (and I was getting sick.)
I was in Grade 3 or Grade 5, doesn’t matter which. I hadn’t fainted before, so I wasn’t sure what those blinking fireflies were swarming my vision. No matter how many times I blinked, they stayed.
The next time I blinked, I was looking up at worried faces. Apparently I not only fainted, I tumbled off the stage, and hit my head on the piano. Oh yes and I was wearing a SKIRT. Thankfully I wasn’t going commando.
Lesson learned: don’t ever go to church again. Or at least, if you do, and the swarming fireflies attack your vision, sit down and put your head between your knees.
The Curious Case of the Woofing Cookies
When I was in Grade Primary, someone in my class got sick on the other side of the room. I’m pretty soft even to this day, but when one of my classmates started to describe the contents of said puke, I woofed my cookies (or in this case sandwich) and tried to hide it. My teacher didn’t even know. I spent the rest of the day with a little stain on my shirt.
At the water fountain, someone even said, “You stink.” I probably did. I was in Grade Primary and I had lunch on my shirt.
Afterwards, I hated wearing the shirt because it still felt tainted to me and to this very day, I can’t drink fruit punch.
I think this is why I could never (ever!) teach Grade Primary. Too much puke. This is also why I don’t go to bars on the weekend.
“Something” on the Floor
Thankfully I don’t have too many of those period stories that grace the pages of Teen and Seventeen. I’ve learned a lot of lessons from those stories, one being that I will avoid swimming like the plague when it’s that time of the month. Or wearing white pants.
When I was in Grade 6, and had a visit from Aunt Flow, I had to, of course, carry supplies with me.
Our bookbags had to be kept at the back of the classroom. After falling on a bookbag or two myself, I now know why the sagacious teacher had this rule.
One day, my cousin came to me and whispered, “There’s something of yours back on the floor.”
Puzzled look. “What do you mean?” And why didn’t he just pick it up? Was it a pencil? A granola bar?
No. It was a “sanitary napkin” as the boxes like to euphemize.
Being in Grade 6, and just suffering through puberty, this was rather embarrassing. I had to scurry to the back of the classroom and hide the offending “napkin” before any of the boys saw it.
To this day, I keep my girly products well hid and stuffed in a pocket if I’m transporting them to the bathroom.
The Toilet Paper Incident
Acadia University is an expensive institution. It, however, does not buy expensive toilet paper. It buys rolls of that one-ply cardboard. You know, the kind that takes 80 goes around the roll before you have enough for a wipe. (Don’t they realize that two-ply goes further?)
Anyhoo, I learned an important lesson one day. Always check your posterior for clumps of cheap toilet paper left dangling. When you’re using stuff that tears easily, some of it doesn’t always go in the toilet. It then follows you around like a lost puppy dog.
I was back in class when I realized I had brought a little gift with me. And it wasn’t unused TP either. How do I know this? Because my pants got wet.
(Did you catch the point the TP wasn’t on my shoe? That would be the unembarrassing moment. This TP was on my butt.)
Now, this ranks up there as one of my most embarrassing moments ever because as a university student, you’re expected to have mastered potty training.
My moment was made even better by the fact I HAD TO GIVE A PRESENTATION IN FRONT OF THE CLASS.
My group was called to the front of the class, but I discreetly told the prof I had to excuse myself for a moment. I backed out of the class (hoping no one would see the evidence) and proceeded to claw away the offending TP. I was doing this when I realized someone from the class was watching me.
To this day, I’ll never know exactly if she knew what had happened or what I was doing, but I was sufficiently embarrassed for three lifetimes. I tried to smile and brush it off (literally and figuratively) but I was dying and still had to go in front of the class with a patch of wet on my gluteus maximus.
Thankfully my presentation wasn’t on string theory or anything complicated. I think I managed to sneak back to my seat and suffer through the rest of the class.
Ever since then, I have become paranoid about checking to make sure there are no hitchhikers.
There was only one good thing about this sad situation.
I didn’t have a poop.