A letter to Americans

Dear America,

How ya doing? I guess you’ve had a rough time ever since Sandy came your way. Every time I want to complain about the rain, I think of your weather and feel small for complaining.

I thought I’d write you a note asking for you to vote for Obama. I know presidents aren’t perfect, but really—a guy named Mitt? (Yeah, yeah, it beats Willard but barely.)

Are you really considering a guy whose idea of poverty is running out of grey poupon?

Take a moment to think about the Republican platform.

I’ll help you.

Republicans want to preserve the traditional marriage for the success of the nation and, along the way, for the good of children. That way children won’t be ruined–e.g. get pregnant out of wedlock. I guess Romney wants more shotgun marriages that force people to hate each other for the rest of their lives, thus propagating more reality TV shows. A vote for Mitt is a vote for more reality shows.

Furthermore, Mitt wants to repeal health care. Why not? Canadians like me are living miserable lives with universal health care. Miserable, healthy lives.

And Mitt wants choice in primary and secondary education. AKA a voucher system. Vouchers allow parents to send their kids to a school of their choice, thus shutting down crappy asbestos holes where standardized test scores sink faster than the Titanic. Which is great if you believe education is a simple endeavor that can be measured on standardized tests despite the many abilities of students in our classrooms today.

Yup, that’s just some of the social goodies you’re voting for. No pressure at all when you mark your ballot.

If things go awry, I welcome you to the haven that is known as Canada. We have universal healthcare, inclusive education, and rights for same sex couples.

Oh yes and maple syrup flows like honey.

Best of luck in your voting. I will resist the urge to say “I told you so” if you go Republican.

Actually, no I won’t.


The Daily Hodgepodge


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