Soapy coffee—at least it’s better than perfumed candy.

Most normal, rational people never consume either soapy coffee or perfumed candy. I’ve had both. And I’ve had soapy coffee more than once. (I’ve even had a needle in peanut butter balls, but at least it wasn’t a razor blade. And it was an accidental needle, not an intentional Halloween-candy needle put in there by a psychopath.)

The other night, deciding my coffeemaker was looking a little dirty, I scrubbed it down like a Martha Stewart wannabe. Obviously, I did not rinse it sufficiently.

As you might suspect, lavender and ylang-ylang soap detergent don’t make the world’s best coffee flavour. Caramel, yes. Irish cream, maybe.

But not ylang-ylang.

Yesterday morning, when I really needed my Starbucks brew to generate enough consciousness to drive, I could only muster half a cup.

Yes, I drank half a cup of lavender and ylang-ylang coffee yesterday.

As I was drinking it in my usual morning stupor, I thought it tasted a bit… unusual. Since it was still quite hot, I couldn’t quite tell. Maybe I was just hoping for Starbucks’ strong brew to impart its magic on my blurry eyed vision and general morning sloth.

Once it began to cool, I realized the coffee really was tainted with some kind of floral detergent undertones.

Another taste. Then another.

Yup. Decidedly soapy.

By this time, the mug was half-empty and I finally decided to pick up a cup in town. It tasted delightfully non-soap.

In a past life, I think I was a wine taster.

FYI: When I was in junior high, the perfume in my bookbag once spilled over my candy stash without my knowledge. Until I ate the candy. Perfume does not taste as good as it smells. And it actually gives me a headache. Effin perfume.

FYI 2: I attended a function years ago where they had peanut butter balls. They’re dipped in chocolate. The cook used a needle for this process and left the needle in the ball. Then I put the ball in my mouth. Peanut butter usually doesn’t contain metal, so I decided not to swallow. This prevented me from having emergency surgery and choking on a big needle.

Please. No “that’s what she said” jokes.


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