It’s good to plan one’s life out. You know, map out goals, think about what could be in my future. Now that I’m in my 30s, I like to visualize how things are going to go so I don’t waste my time (and The Pretty as He’s Just Not That Into You would put it, which is an interesting take on heterosexual relationships).
So here goes.
Finally get a nice job with benefits that allows me to pay down my bills. Date nice man and bring home to parents. Date for appropriate length of time before preparing for nice wedding. Fix up old house. Procreate. Get dog. Consider minivan but settle for a nice car that’s good on gas and full of air bags. Write novel and win the Giller Prize. Grow old with friend at side and hope the Canadian Government has enough money to fund the Old Age Pension Plan by 2046. Give grandchildren sugar and send home to parents. Talk about bowel movements and learn to play bridge.
After surviving dead-end jobs, finally get high-paying job that allows for colouring hair every month. Get manicures, wear big sunglasses, and drive black SUV perpetually connected to cell phone through Bluetooth. Buy condo and fill it with black leather furniture for when dates come by; or find someone with a silver streak in hair who owns a yacht. Finally pay off student loans and begin saving for retirement, which will involve travelling around the world and having cool Facebook photos featuring the Leaning Tower of Pisa and the Effel Tower. Enjoy high life and drinking wine after every meal. Move to a retirement community and dye hair blue.
Adopt 10 cats. Begin hoarding newspapers and egg cartons. Occasionally see some man with beer belly and comb-over. Wear hair in curlers often (even though hair is already curly). Buy fuzzy pink bathrobe.
By golly, it’s so good to have plans for one’s life. Makes me feel better about turning 31 already! I’m really looking forward to the bathrobe.