I’m close. Thisclose. I should be able to start taking subbing calls next week; I’m just waiting for confirmation from the local school board office to put myself out there. I haven’t been this thrilled since they came out with the Swiffer and I could throw away my mop.
Here’s how I became a teacher, in just a few easy steps…
- Family members should read to you until words become magical and delightful.
- Start school in Grade Primary. Education and learning to play well with others really makes the resume shine.
- Play school with a small chalkboard, your grandmother’s schoolbooks from the 1930s, and a small class of quiet but attentive stuffed animals. Classroom management is a breeze.
- Buy old schoolbooks at yard sales, even Math texts, despite the fact this is clearly a psychological symptom of some variety (cf. book hoarding)
- Be a keener at school. One must take pleasure in doing a lot of work for no gain other than knowledge itself.
- Begin ongoing addiction with coffee.
- Consider French immersion at a small university. Complete scads of paperwork for university along with student loans, then decide not to attend.
- Apply to community college with copious amounts of paperwork.
- Apply for student loans with copious amounts of paperwork.
- Do two year journalism program and murder 245 trees that have given their lives in vain for paper in a digital age that was supposed to save paperwork and tree pulp.
- Face uncertainty about your future path and take an Arts course with little vocational application other than preparing you to be a coffee server or professional dog walker.
- Apply to university with copious amounts of paperwork.
- Apply for student loans. You guessed it: copious amounts of paperwork.
- Read everything, including literature, blogs, and newspapers.
- Do essays and projects until the cows come home and your laser printer groans each time it begins a new printing job.
- Apply for scholarships. More paperwork.
- Complete creative writing thesis on the sinking of the S.S. Atlantic and women’s position in Victorian society. Eighty-nine trees perish.
- Hone your anal-retentive organizational skills. Use files, labels, and folders until the cows come home. People who mock are merely jealous.
- Ascertain BAs are a dime a dozen and on a par with high school diplomas, and apply for graduate school. Find references, write entrance essays detailing prospective research.
- Apply for student loans with
copiousample amounts of paperwork.
- Write oodles of long essays and presentations, along with thesis on Halifax explosion romances. Say goodbye to 145 trees and two squirrels.
- Graduate and send out dozens of finely tuned cover letters and resumes, until 105 trees expire.
- Apply for interest relief because you can’t pay your student loans. Copious amounts of paperwork.
- Hold a dead end job for a period of time.
- Leave dreadful job and put in for EI, completing scads of paperwork.
- Realize that with slowing economy, Arts grads need more training, so apply for Bachelor of Education program. Panic over references, background, and other
copiousextensive amounts of paperwork.
- Apply for student loans. More paperwork.
- In order for university to believe you are not a convicted criminal, complete first criminal record check and child abuse registry check.
- Begin writing lesson plans, unit plans, and other projects until your printer begins to squeak like a dying mouse caught in the jaws of a cat.
- In order for first school board to believe you are not a convicted criminal, complete second criminal record check and child abuse registry check.
- Survive first practicum. Barely.
- Learn how to work under monumental amounts of stress. Succeed without alcohol or crack, and thus not becoming a convicted criminal.
- Apply for student loans for second term. More frigging paperwork.
- In order for second school board to believe you are not a convicted criminal, complete one more criminal record check and child abuse registry check.
- Go on second practicum and discover you love junior high students AND that you can’t drink too much coffee because you can’t get to the
bathroomsorry, washroom often enough.
- Lesson plan until midnight.
- Learn new slang from students and carvings on picnic table.
- Mark papers until 3 in the morning and your eyes start to close themselves.
- In order for the Department of Education to believe you are not a convicted criminal, complete ANOTHER criminal record check and child abuse registry check. This one is for your certification.
- Fill out certification forms and pay $95.
- Graduate and send out dozens of finely tuned cover letters and resumes, until 85 trees have passed on to the great forest in the sky.
- Panic you will never ever find employment.
- In order to substitute teach, complete one more criminal record check and child abuse registry check. RCMP detachment knows you by name. Wish there was a buy 4 get the 5th free frequent criminal record check program.
- Get accepted to substitute teach! Do copious amounts of online and on paper paperwork. E-mail and drop off at board office. Wait with baited breath.
- Become an official teacher. Glad to be done paperwork forever.