How to become a teacher in 978 easy steps

I’m close.  Thisclose.  I should be able to start taking subbing calls next week; I’m just waiting for confirmation from the local school board office to put myself out there.  I haven’t been this thrilled since they came out with the Swiffer and I could throw away my mop.

Just walk up the steps to Acadia's Seminary House...

Here’s how I became a teacher, in just a few easy steps…

  1. Family members should read to you until words become magical and delightful.
  2. Start school in Grade Primary.  Education and learning to play well with others really makes the resume shine.
  3. Play school with a small chalkboard, your grandmother’s schoolbooks from the 1930s, and a small class of quiet but attentive stuffed animals.  Classroom management is a breeze.
  4. Buy old schoolbooks at yard sales, even Math texts, despite the fact this is clearly a psychological symptom of some variety (cf. book hoarding)
  5. Be a keener at school.  One must take pleasure in doing a lot of work for no gain other than knowledge itself.
  6. Begin ongoing addiction with coffee.
  7. Consider French immersion at a small university.  Complete scads of paperwork for university along with student loans, then decide not to attend.
  8. Apply to community college with copious amounts of paperwork.
  9. Apply for student loans with copious amounts of paperwork.
  10. Do two year journalism program and murder 245 trees that have given their lives in vain for paper in a digital age that was supposed to save paperwork and tree pulp.
  11. Face uncertainty about your future path and take an Arts course with little vocational application other than preparing you to be a coffee server or professional dog walker.

    ... craft a representation of The Great Gatsby with glow sticks...
  12. Apply to university with copious amounts of paperwork.
  13. Apply for student loans.  You guessed it: copious amounts of paperwork.
  14. Read everything, including literature, blogs, and newspapers.
  15. Do essays and projects until the cows come home and your laser printer groans each time it begins a new printing job.
  16. Apply for scholarships.  More paperwork.
  17. Complete creative writing thesis on the sinking of the S.S. Atlantic and women’s position in Victorian society. Eighty-nine trees perish.
  18. Hone your anal-retentive organizational skills.  Use files, labels, and folders until the cows come home.  People who mock are merely jealous.
  19. Ascertain BAs are a dime a dozen and on a par with high school diplomas, and apply for graduate school.  Find references, write entrance essays detailing prospective research.
  20. Apply for student loans with copious ample amounts of paperwork.
  21. Write oodles of long essays and presentations, along with thesis on Halifax explosion romances.  Say goodbye to 145 trees and two squirrels.
  22. Graduate and send out dozens of finely tuned cover letters and resumes, until 105 trees expire.
  23. Apply for interest relief because you can’t pay your student loans.  Copious amounts of paperwork.
  24. Hold a dead end job for a period of time.
  25. Leave dreadful job and put in for EI, completing scads of paperwork.

    ... construct animal totem pole...
  26. Realize that with slowing economy, Arts grads need more training, so apply for Bachelor of Education program.  Panic over references, background, and other copious extensive amounts of paperwork.
  27. Apply for student loans.  More paperwork.
  28. In order for university to believe you are not a convicted criminal, complete first criminal record check and child abuse registry check.
  29. Begin writing lesson plans, unit plans, and other projects until your printer begins to squeak like a dying mouse caught in the jaws of a cat.
  30. In order for first school board to believe you are not a convicted criminal, complete second criminal record check and child abuse registry check.
  31. Survive first practicum.  Barely.
  32. Learn how to work under monumental amounts of stress.  Succeed without alcohol or crack, and thus not becoming a convicted criminal.
  33. Apply for student loans for second term.  More frigging paperwork.
  34. In order for second school board to believe you are not a convicted criminal, complete one more criminal record check and child abuse registry check.
  35. Go on second practicum and discover you love junior high students AND that you can’t drink too much coffee because you can’t get to the bathroom sorry, washroom often enough.
  36. Lesson plan until midnight.

    ... make a clay snake...
  37. Learn new slang from students and carvings on picnic table.
  38. Mark papers until 3 in the morning and your eyes start to close themselves.
  39. In order for the Department of Education to believe you are not a convicted criminal, complete ANOTHER criminal record check and child abuse registry check.  This one is for your certification.
  40. Fill out certification forms and pay $95.
  41. Graduate and send out dozens of finely tuned cover letters and resumes, until 85 trees have  passed on to the great forest in the sky.
  42. Panic you will never ever find employment.
  43. In order to substitute teach, complete one more criminal record check and child abuse registry check.  RCMP detachment knows you by name.  Wish there was a buy 4 get the 5th free frequent criminal record check program.
  44. Get accepted to substitute teach!  Do copious amounts of online and on paper paperwork.  E-mail and drop off at board office.  Wait with baited breath.
  45. Become an official teacher.  Glad to be done paperwork forever.

    ... and get ready to toss caps into the air!
Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s